Leading Your Family
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- Published on Saturday, 08 October 2011 08:00
Notes from our Marriage Ministry Day at Koinonia October 8, 2011
Leading Your Family
"Teach me Your way, O LORD,
And lead me in a smooth path."
Psalm 27:11
Dave:
Let's pray...
Welcome to this Marriage Ministry Seminar on "Leading Your Family". We pray
that the Lord will touch each family represented here this morning in a special
way. We pray that He will be glorified as marriages and families are transformed!
And that the Lord will be the desire and passion of your entire family as you nurture
and lead His way!
Carol:
How many of you remember the T.V. Show, "Leave It To Beaver"? It was a great
show! It was filmed back when life was simple! Family roles and dynamics were
easy to figure out!
Fast forward a few years to the "Brady Bunch". Things began to get a bit more
complicated. As two families were blended together with a housekeeper thrown
in. There was much more drama!
And now here we are today. Dave & I don't watch much T.V. these days, but
from what we understand, family dynamics have become so convoluted that the
best way to describe it would be like watching a blender being turned on with the
top left off. Just visualize people being "spewed" all over the place!
Dave:
Twice, in the book of Judges, it says, "In those days there was no king in Israel;
everyone did what was right in his own eyes." When there is no king, when there
is no leader, everybody does whatever they want, whatever seems right to them.
This is a picture of what's happening in many families in today's world.
Philippians 2:21 says, "For all seek their own, not the things which are Jesus
Christ's". When there is no leader, then everybody becomes their own leader,
doing what they want to do and ultimately disregarding everybody else. This
eventually turns into chaos and confusion. The opposite of how the Lord does
things. 1 Corinthians 14:40 says, "Let all things be done decently and in order."
Every family needs "structure". Each family needs a leader so that it can run
smoothly, so that it can operate decently and in order. And so that things that
need to get done, get done efficiently and in a timely manner. Regardless of
whether your family is large, small, nuclear, blended, or just the two of you, there
needs to be a leader. All family members ultimately share in the functioning of
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the family, but there is only one leader, just as the Lord designed it! Why? Because
that is God's Plan for families!
Carol:
When Dave & I got married, we were a simplified version of "The Brady Bunch"
minus the housekeeper. I had been a single mom for several years with two preteen
girls. Dave had never been married before. I was used to leading my family
and Dave seemed content for the most part, letting me. Dave just kind of came
along for the ride.
Dave:
The answer to this question depends upon who you ask. If you ask a person in
the world, they'll say it doesn't matter if it's the husband or the wife. In fact, they
would probably say that the one that is best at it should be the leader, no matter
who it is.
Now, if you ask someone who follows what the Bible teaches, they would say the
husband. Why? Because Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:23, For the husband is
head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church. So, in the family that lives
by God's word, the position of authority in the family is given to the husband.
Does this mean that the ultimate authority in the family is the husband? No! As
Paul explains to us in 1 Corinthians 11:3, But I want you to know that the head of
every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
So, we see here that the ultimate authority in the family, in the world, in everything
is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So, the husbands that follow Jesus,
will lead with Jesus as their guide, as their leader! The husband is now not just a
leader, but he is a Godly leader!
Carol:
As we look back on it, when Dave and I got married, Dave had not a clue what
he was getting himself into! When we were dating Dave would sit with me and
my girls in church. My pre-teen girls would take turns sitting next to Dave putting
their head on his shoulder. They just loved Dave! Two years after we were married,
that all changed! Those two innocent pre-teen girls suddenly became
teenagers! Now, all bets were off!
Life became chaotic in our home! So Dave decided to "take over" and fix all of
us! The girls started to rebel. I probably wasn't real helpful either! The climax
came one day, when one of my daughters said to Dave, "You can't tell me what
to do... You're NOT my father!" Dave calmly replied, "No, I'm not your father, but
I AM your step-father!" Wow, that defused everything. This young teenager
didn't know how to respond to that! The Lord was gracious to Dave that day
when He gave Dave the wisdom that was needed!
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Dave:
One of the traits of a Godly leader is gentleness. Gentleness is a fruit of the
spirit. Jesus is gentle and humble as we read in Matthew 11:29, "Take My yoke
upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find
rest for your souls."
When someone in the family needs to be disciplined, it needs to be done gently,
kindly, but firmly. The discipline shouldn't be done in a way that belittles them.
The discipline needs to be appropriate to the deed that was done. It shouldn't be
too harsh or too lenient.
Colossians 3:21 says, Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become
discouraged. Notice that this verse says Fathers, do not provoke your children.
It doesn't say "mothers". Why? Because we as men sometimes react more
harshly then the situation warrants. Women tend to be more caring and understanding.
So, work as a team when dealing with your kids.
Carol:
So ladies, some of you are probably wondering why you're here today. If your
husband is the leader in your home, then what's your role? Well, I want you to
know, that you have a critical role. Do you realize that the role you play can
"make or break" your family? Do you also realize that your role can have a major
impact on your husband's walk with the Lord!
I'd like to share a true story with you. One that I'll never forget! Years ago, a sister
in the Lord, a very close friend of mine, approached me one day. She told me
how she was praying that her husband would step up to the plate and become
the leader in their home. I told her that was a wonderful thing to pray for and that
I would be praying also.
Well in the months ahead, I watched in awe with the work that the Lord began to
do in her husband's life. He began to pray and read his Bible regularly. He began
to witness to others about the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I watched as the
leadership in their church drew him in and placed him over an important ministry.
The Lord was clearly doing a wonderful work in his life. The Lord was answering
my friend's prayer! Not only had he become the leader in their home, but he was
drawing closer to the Lord, closer than he had ever been before. The Lord had
truly become his passion! What a blessing to watch!
But then something slowly began to happen. I watched in disbelief as my friend
began to "step" on her husband. Slowly but surely she began to usurp and hinder
his authority and his walk in very subtle ways. He began to falter and grow
less confident.
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Today, they are divorced and neither of them appear to be walking with the Lord.
How sad. How grievous. Ladies, please promise me that you'll never, ever, do
that to your husbands!
Please slow down, step back and support your husbands! Let them lead! Pray
for them! Encourage them! Don't hinder them in their walk with the Lord!
Hebrews 13:17 says, Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they
watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with
joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.
Dave:
Ok guys, it's your turn now. When we are leading our families do we include our
wives? Do we seek their help, support, their aid, or do we go it alone? If we do
include them and ask their opinion, or their counsel, do we really listen to them?
Do we really hear what they say or do we just act like we heard them and then go
and do whatever we want?
Do we realize that when we do this, we not only make our wives feel as if they
are worthless, but we’re also robbing ourselves of a gift that the Lord has given
us?
Genesis 2:20 says, And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air,
and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for
him. The Lord gave us a very special gift when he gave us our wives! We
shouldn't take them for granted! Our wives are to be our help meet. The definition
of a help meet is one who is the same as the other and who surrounds, protects,
aids, helps, supports. The husband and the wife are equal, they just fulfill
different roles!
Genesis 2: 23 says, And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones And flesh of
my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man." The
husband is not superior to the wife but is equal to his wife. Again, they just have
different roles!
When we disregard, or even worse don’t even include our wives when we are
leading our families, we are misusing the Lord’s gift to us. In fact, we are being
disobedient to the Lord! We are almost thumbing our nose at the Lord because
we are saying, "we know better than you, Lord". And where does that usually get
us? Normally not any place good.
So men, we need to realize that the Godly leader of his family includes his wife in
the decisions that need to be made. He doesn't look to His wife to make the decisions,
but we would be foolhardy not to ask our wives for their input, their aid in
making those decisions.
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When a difficult decision needs to be made and there is a disagreement about
the decision, we, as the husband, need to be gentle and kind in explaining to our
wives why we believe this is the best decision. Then we need to make the decision
that we believe the Lord has given us.
Carol:
Ladies, we do need to remember that the ultimate responsibility of the decision
lays with our husbands. We need to remember that the buck stops with them,
the buck does not stop with us, but rather with our husbands! He is the one that
has to stand and answer before His Lord and Savior about the decision!
So, we need to accept this! We need to trust the Lord, that He has everything
under control. As Kay Smith once said, when her husband made a decision that
she didn't agree with, she would pray and duck and let the Lord handle it!
Dave:
If the decision turns out to be the best one, then we need to praise and thank the
Lord for His wisdom, guidance, and direction. We aren't to be proud and boastful
of how great our decision was. No, we need to praise our God and King for His
wisdom, guidance, and direction.
If the decision turns out to be the wrong one, either because we heard incorrectly
or we went our own way, then we need to come humbly before our God and King
and ask Him how it can be fixed. And in addition, we need to come humbly before
our wife and ask for her forgiveness.
To be a Godly leader we must submit ourselves to the authority of the Lord Jesus
Christ in our lives. We must believe in the Lordship and the Kingship of Jesus.
We must follow after Jesus, wholeheartedly, completely, and trust in Him for He is
Faithful and True. We must be able to say that Jesus is the Lord of lords and the
King of kings.
We also must be in awe of our Lord, as we read in Deuteronomy 10:12, "And
now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD
your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the LORD your God
with all your heart and with all your soul". And we must reverence Him! He must
be preeminent in our lives, not merely prominent, but preeminent.
Everything we say and do must be guided, directed by Him. He must be the
main thing in our lives. Yes, we'll make mistakes, because we're not perfect! But
we need to trust Him. We need to be as Moses encourages us in, Deuteronomy
6:5, "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and
with all your strength."
Our desire, passion, and purpose of our hearts, should be to follow Jesus Christ!
Why? Because if you do that, then everything else will fall into place! People
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tend to emulate the person they are following! Trust me, your family will follow
you if you follow the Lord with all your heart and soul!
Also, men, if you do purpose, if you do desire to follow after Jesus in all of your
ways, then you will be the Godly leader that the Lord has created you to be!
Carol:
What if your husband doesn't lead? Let's face it, not all husbands are the leader
in their home. If the husband doesn't lead, then either the wife will lead or the
children will lead, because someone has to lead.
Deep down, women want their husbands to lead. It can be an extremely frustrating,
scary and overwhelming feeling to the wife when her husband won't take the
lead!
Dave:
From my experience, if the husband doesn't lead then the husband feels like
something isn't quite right. The Lord has wired us men to protect and lead our
family. When we don't lead, we feel like something is missing. We know we
aren't doing what we should be doing!
Let me tell you what happened that caused me to take my rightful place as the
head, as the leader of my family. About 14 years ago Carol was diagnosed with
an aggressive cancer. It was a very scary time for us! But as Romans 8:28
says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them who are the
called according to His purpose". You're probably wondering how this could have
possibly been good. Well, the cancer diagnosis "threw us into the arms of Jesus"!
For the next 1 1/2 years as Carol recovered from the surgery and the radiation
treatments, Carol couldn't lead. Actually, Carol couldn't do much of anything...
except sleep! So I had to trust in the Lord and take over all of the responsibilities!
Carol:
How did Dave lead me during the cancer?
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He turned to the Lord! Who in turn led Dave to "set the tone". Early on in
the diagnosis, the Lord gave Dave Philippians 4:6, Rejoice in the Lord always,
again I say rejoice." As Dave shared this with me, "the tone was
set" for this journey that the Lord had us on!
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Dave constantly prayed with me. He took me to church where I was
anointed with oil.
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Dave comforted me by "washing me in God's Word".
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He provided for me. He drove me to countless doctor appointments, arranged
for meals, cleaned the house, communicated with our family and
friends.
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He protected me from well meaning friends who would call & unwittingly
sap me of my limited energy.
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He was "there" for me. What a blessing it was! I felt so safe and secure!
Dave suddenly had the qualities of a Godly leader!
Dave:
So, what are the qualities of a Godly leader? If you want to learn something, you
look for someone who is an expert, is good at, what you want to learn about and
you model them. For instance, if you want to learn how to handle money, you
look to someone who is rich, not poor.
So, who is our greatest example of a leader? That's right! It's our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ. We need to look to Him to determine what it means to be a
Godly leader. We don't have the time this morning to go in depth, so here are
just a few of the qualities of a Godly leader.
A Godly leader is:
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Humble
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Gentle
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Full of grace & mercy
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He desires to do the Lord’s will
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He is a man of prayer
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He reads God's word daily
Men, do you purpose, do you desire to be humble? Moses was a great leader!
And he was humble! We read in Numbers 12:3, Now the man Moses was very
humble, more than all men who were on the face of the earth.
Do you realize that Moses didn't start out as a great leader. In fact, he was reluctant
to lead! Initially, Moses gave the Lord five different excuses why he couldn't
lead. So how did Moses finally become the leader? By trusting, following, and
drawing closer to his Lord! So, just as Moses did, we too need to purpose to
trust, follow, and draw near to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and allow Him
to make us the leaders that He wants us to be.
Did you know that one of the ways that we obtain grace is by being humble? As
James explains to us in James 4:6, But He gives more grace. Therefore He says:
"God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble."
If we are humble, we will not think that we have all of the answers. We will accept
input from others, as Paul reminds us in Romans 12:16, Be of the same
mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with
the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.
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Jesus was humble. In fact, He was so humble that he performed the job of the
lowest servant. He washed the disciple’s feet! Imagine that! The Creator of the
universe, the One who created each disciple, didn’t think it was below Himself to
wash the disciple’s feet. How amazing is that!!!
Just as Jesus Himself, who is our leader, served others, we also need to be servants.
We're not above doing things to help our wives or to help our children. If
Jesus serves, why then do we think that we shouldn't serve?
Guys, are you full of grace & mercy? A Godly leader is ready to forgive and to
ask for forgiveness. A Godly leader doesn’t lord it over people. In fact, Jesus
tells us how a Godly leader is to act, in Luke 22:25 – 27, 25And He said to them,
"The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those who exercise
authority over them are called ‘benefactors.’ 26"But not so among you; on the
contrary, he who is greatest among you, let him be as the younger, and he who
governs as he who serves. 27"For who is greater, he who sits at the table, or he
who serves? Is it not he who sits at the table? Yet I am among you as the One
who serves.
Guys, are you willing to go along with the Lord’s will for your life and for your
family's life? As Joshua recounts to us in Joshua 5:13 & 14, 13And it came to
pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted his eyes and looked, and behold,
a Man stood opposite him with His sword drawn in His hand. And Joshua
went to Him and said to Him, "Are You for us or for our adversaries?" 14So He
said, "No, but as Commander of the army of the LORD I have now come." And
Joshua fell on his face to the earth and worshiped, and said to Him, "What does
my Lord say to His servant?".
Are you a man of prayer? How can we know God's will for us and our family if
we don't pray? How can we have mercy, have grace, if we're not in constant
communication with our Lord? How can we lead our family as the Lord wants us
to, unless we ask Him?
Luke 5:16 says, So He Himself often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed.
How often in scripture do we read about Jesus praying? Do you want to be more
like Jesus? Then get on your knees and pray!
Jesus tells us to pray in Luke 18:1, Then He spoke a parable to them, that men
always ought to pray and not lose heart. How do we think we can be a Godly
leader without constantly being in prayer?
Carol:
I attend "ladies prayer" twice a month here at church. It is such a blessing! But I
need to be honest with you, it wasn't always a blessing. In fact, I really didn't
want to go at first. But Dave took the lead and gently led me there. We all know
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that the Lord is a gentleman. He guides us by His Holy Spirit, gently and lovingly,
never forcefully! That's how Dave led me.
Dave encouraged me to go, even though he knew that my daughter worked
every Monday evening, which meant he would have to watch our 18 month
grandson.
Dave babysat, cleaned up the dinner dishes, drove me, gently encouraged me,
all so that I could learn what a blessing it is to pray with my sisters.
I'll never forget the first evening I came for prayer. I wasn't very comfortable leaving
our grandson in Dave's hands. Well, Pastor Ray was watching the door that
first evening I arrived. As I entered through the door, I mumbled something about
how Dave was home watching our grandson. Pastor Ray gleefully proclaimed,
"Oh, I'm sure that your grandson will take wonderful care of Dave!"
Dave:
Guys, are you encouraging your wives to spend time in prayer with their sisters in
the Lord? Guys, are you faithfully attending a men's prayer group?
Are you in the word of God daily? Is the Bible your constant companion? Do
you read it every day? How can we know the character of God, if we don't read
His word daily? How can we exclaim as the Psalmist did in Psalm 119:105, Your
word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path, if we're not reading the Word of
God daily?
Carol:
Would you like to know what Dave and I do? We each have a One Year Bible.
It's really cool. Each day it has a short reading from the Old Testament, New
Testament, Psalms and Proverbs. Well, every day we both read it. It only take
15-20 minutes to read it each day. By the end of the year, we've read through
the entire Bible! We've been doing this for several years now. What a blessing it
is when we find ourselves talking about the things of the Lord, stuff we've read in
our Bible, instead of complaining about the things of this world. We'd like to challenge
all of you to do the same thing! The Lord will truly bless your marriage as
you take this huge step together!
Dave:
So guys, I'm expecting you to take the lead on this One Year Bible challenge! Go
out, buy the Bible, bring it home and sit down with your wife. Trust me, if you do
that, your wife will look up to you with awe and respect. And she will follow you!
Why? Because your wife wants you to be that Godly leader that she so desires!
When women have a godly leader, then that's the direction they tend to go in. If
people have an ungodly leader, then they tend to go towards ungodly stuff.
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So men, you have two choices. You can lead your family according to the world's
way, or you can lead your family according to God's way. The vast majority of the
world, for the last few decades, have been leading their families according to the
ways of the world. We've seen the results of that experiment! It's critical that you
lead your family God's way!
As Psalm 27:11 says, Teach me Your way, O LORD, And lead me in a smooth
path. Notice this verse says "Your way", not my way, not the world's way, but the
Lord's way. And also notice that this verse says "way", not "ways"! The Lord
only has one way and that is the correct way, the right way. Any other way is the
wrong way, no matter how many other ways there are, they are all wrong.
Then Psalm 27:11 goes on to say lead me in a "smooth path". Lead me in the
way of uprightness, righteousness, and in the way of Godliness. Let my life be a
life of uprightness, a life of righteousness, a life of following after the Lord, and
living for Him.
That's how we need to lead our families! We need to lead them in the way of uprightness,
righteousness, and Godliness. And if we lead our families this way,
then remember we need to live this way also. If we aren't going to live this way,
then why would we expect our families to?
Guys, do you realize that the way you treat your wife is how your son will treat his
future wife? A Godly leader leads by example! Don't be a hypocrite!
Carol:
Ladies, do you realize that the way you treat your husband, the interaction your
daughter sees between you and your husband, is how your daughter will expect
to be treated by her future husband? Remember that teenage daughter of mine
that reminded Dave that he wasn't her father? Well, she got married two weeks
ago, to a guy who is gentle, sweet and caring... just like Dave! And guess what
song she picked out for the "Father/Daughter" dance, that they danced to? "You
are the wind beneath my wings... you are my hero"! It was beautiful! The Lord is
always so faithful!
Dave:
Guys, your family needs to see you praying! You also need to be praying with
your family! And not just at meals! Your family needs to see you reading your
Bible! You also need to be reading your Bible to your family! You need to be
speaking of the things of the Lord to your family.
As Deuteronomy 11:18 - 20 tells us, "Therefore you shall lay up these words of
mine in your heart and in your soul, and bind them as a sign on your hand, and
they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children,
speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way,
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when you lie down, and when you rise up. And you shall write them on the doorposts
of your house and on your gates".
Men, you need to take the lead in getting your family to church each Sunday.
You need to be the spiritual leader of your family.
Dave:
Men, being the leader isn't easy, but as I was meditating about Jesus being our
leader, I remembered the account of Jesus calming the sea. When we read Matthew's
account of the event, we read how His disciples followed Him right into the
boat.
And what did the disciples get for following Jesus into the boat? They got to witness
firsthand, a tremendous storm, a tumultuous storm, the storm of all storms.
But notice, Jesus was right there in the storm with them! And then when Jesus
calmed the storm, the waters became as smooth as glass, just like the smooth
path, and the wind stopped!
So why am I telling you this? Because as you lead, you're going to encounter
troubling times, hard times, difficult times. There will be storms! But don't stop
leading! You need to remember that Jesus is your leader, He is your sustainer,
and He is your comfort and peace.
As David wrote in Psalm 55:22, Cast your burden on the LORD, And He shall
sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. And as Jesus exclaims
to us in John 16:33, "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you
may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I
have overcome the world." Amen!
Let's pray...