Basic Training For Marriage

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Created on Friday, 04 February 2011 10:03

Published on Friday, 04 February 2011 00:00

Have you seen this announcement slide or one similar? It’s designed to inform engaged couples of the first step in planning a wedding at Koinonia. Pre-Marital classes and counseling are a big part of the Marriage Ministry here as we endeavor to give couples a solid foundation on which to build their marriages.

Because this will be a major focus for us over the next couple of months, we decided to take you along on a Pre-Marital experience. This will give you an understanding of the process we follow, and show you how to better cover the ministry in prayer.

He finally popped the question! She said, “Yes!” Now there’s so much to do to get ready for your big day. If you’ve seen the slide, you know your first step to getting married at Koinonia is to contact Pastor Ben. After a brief meeting, he directs you to pick up a green Pre-Marital Packet from the church office, which you do, and excitedly read through it together, filling out the necessary forms.

Next, you make an appointment to meet with Pastor Ben and Vince between services to discuss your applications and the pre-requisites for marriage. If there are no concerns, you are directed to sign up for the next available Pre-Marital Class. If there are concerns, follow-up counseling is provided to prepare you for the class.

While you wait for the class to get here, you meet with the pastor you want to do your wedding to clear a tentative date. Then, you pick up a white Wedding Ceremony Packet from the office and start dreaming of your actual wedding day. You had no idea so much went into just the ceremony!

Finally it’s time to attend the Pre-Marital Class. Friday night you get there about 6:55 and introduce yourselves to the other couples and meet the teachers - us. After an initial overview of the weekend, we launch into the roles of husbands and wives.Through Ephesians 5:21-33 you learn about the responsibilities and accountability God places on the husband for his family and the responsibilities and calling God gives to the wife. The role of submission provokes some very lively discussion!

During the second hour the focus turns to love languages. You discover the importance of knowing your intended’s love language before you get married. It helps you avoid the pitfall of showing your love in a manner that your spouse does not interpret as love, thus leaving your spouse feeling unloved, despite all you do to demonstrate your love for him/her. You complete a questionnaire and learn that your love language is totally different from your future spouse. Then you are challenged to learn how to speak your future mate’s love language. This rounds out the evening session.

Saturday morning comes early, but you’re up in time to catch the continental breakfast before the first morning session begins. “Resolving Conflict in a Biblical Manner” should be interesting, even though you and your fiancé almost never fight. You learn that conflict is a natural part of relationships and is used by God to shape you into a man/woman after God’s own heart. You learn how your willingness, anger, personalities, and communication filters affect conflict resolution, in addition to some techniques for maximizing your effectiveness as a listener and a speaker during conflicts.

After a short break, you return to watch a “Love & Respect” video. The presenter is a funny guy with a funny name. There’s a lot here to glean as you learn some basic God-created differences between men and women. Women are wired differently than men. So how they react is not wrong, just different from the way men would react and vice versa.This heightens your awareness of your fiancée’s unique design, which you talk about at lunch afterward.

After a yummy lunch, you load up on cookies and coffee for the afternoon session. The discussion starts out focusing on “Parents and In-laws,” giving you a heads-up on where they are coming from and the new role they should play in your lives together. The marriage relationship always comes first, and you even learn some how-tos for dealing with unwanted advice. You make a mental note of where this is located in your binder.

“Time/Money Management” is next, and you learn about keeping a family calendar and joint bank accounts. The future husbands learn that they are accountable to God for the family finances, but that wise men don’t exclude their wives from financial decisions. You also receive a budget guide handout.

One more break and you’re back for the final push — the infamous “Homework.” You get a chance to practice the unusual homework, which requires you to answer questions and then exchange papers with your betrothed to get his/her response toyour answers.Any“Difficult” or “Impossible” issues that come up during these exchanges need to be discussed. After going over the homework to make sure you have a handle on it, we turn you loose, unless you’re a remarried. You get to stay for one more session on “Remarriage.”

Once you have completed the class, you have a lot of homework to do. How quickly you get to work on it depends on how soon your wedding is after the class. Once it is completed, you call us and set up a date for the first counseling session, when we go over the homework. We focus on any issues that cropped up during your discussions to make sure they are resolved. Then you set a date two weeks before your wedding for the counseling session that will complete your pre-marital counseling.

As you can see, a lot goes into the Pre-Marital process here at Koinonia. It’s a sort of “basic training” for marriage. We strive to give couples a thorough understanding of and preparation for what they can expect in marriage, as well as to assure the marrying pastor that the couple is ready for marriage. One couple who went through this process referred to this class as, “essential for protecting and blessing marriage. The tools we learned are very helpful and provide us with a biblical foundation for marital accountability.”

As we enter the next Pre-Marital season, we appreciate your prayers for wisdom for the Marriage Ministry Team as we counsel couples planning to marry at Koinonia, as well as for the couples as they go through Pre-Marital Boot Camp.